Reports From the Enterprise
by Elionu
Summary: After living for over 150 years, Admiral Jonathan Archer remains healthy enough to remain in Starfleet. By this time, the legacy of ships named Enterprise being trouble-magnets has continued with the NCC-1701, and the reports to Starfleet Command keep coming in. Jonathan is much too old for this.


**June 2270**

Jonathan Archer was much too old for this nonsense.

It was just his luck that he managed to break a new record for human longevity, probably a result of some unknown substance he came across back in his days commanding the _Enterprise_. And now a hundred and nine years after that mission, he was still hale and somehow healthy enough to still be an in-service Starfleet Admiral. Most people wouldn't complain about living to be 157 years old, but to him, it seemed like a curse.

It wasn't that he didn't enjoy the job.

Fate had an unusual sense of humor, and apparently every Starfleet ship named _Enterprise_ was destined to be a trouble magnet. And this ship, the NCC-1701 _Enterprise_, seemed to get in less of the they're-firing-at-us-again type of trouble, and more of the the-anomaly-flipped-the-gravitational-polarity type of trouble. It got to the point where even members of Starfleet Command decided to take bets on the type of trouble the _Enterprise_ would report in their next communique. The current frontrunner was 9 to 1 odds on temporal anomalies. Most of the admiralty weren't sure if it wasn't all some elaborate joke on the part of the _Enterprise_'s senior officers. Jonathan knew better, after 10 years of the weirdness that is deep space coming to bother him at least once a week.

Come to think of it, surely it wasn't this much of a trouble magnet under the command of Admirals April and Pike. So it probably wasn't a curse on the ship or something.

The computer pinged, announcing the monthly reports from several ships. Jonathan figured it best to handle the _Enterprise_ reports himself, and leave the rest of them to the other Admirals. Let them occupy themselves with endless reports of "absolutely nothing happened today", so they wouldn't overreact to the craziness coming from the _Enterprise_. Of course, all the biggest events were discussed in a conference with the relevant ship, so it's not like the rest of the Admirals didn't know what was going on.

Jonathan tapped his screen: _Enterprise_ reports from the past month, as expected. The logs began to play, the room filling with the confident voice of Captain James T. Kirk.

_Captain's Log- stardate 6153.7. Today, during our routine survey mission of Passus IV, we encountered previously undetected hallucinogens in the atmosphere, and the lading party required to return to the ship and retrieve spacesuits, but not before the contamination had spread to the _Enterprise_. Fourteen members of my crew are now being treated in sickbay for an acute case of becoming a vibrant shade of purple. The hallucinogens are undetectable by our sensors and tricorders._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6155.5. We came into contact with a spacefaring race of humanoid lizards called the Cardassians. They seem slightly xenophobic, and have stated their willingness to attack if we interfere in the development of their empire, but have no problem with sending an ambassador to the Federation to open diplomatic negotiations._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6158.2. Crewmen Jenkins and Ross are now on temporary suspension for launching fireworks in the hanger bay. While the display was entertaining, it was dangerous, against regulations, and they nearly damaged a shuttle._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6160.5. The _Enterprise_ seems to have been caught in an anomaly and transported to a planet which traverses two universes, ours, and one created by interference in our timeline by someone from the future. The universes are similar enough that another version of the Enterprise was there, but there were significant differences. The crew appears to be younger counterparts of us, but with our present ranks, and the design of the ship resembles what people of the early 21st century believed future technology to be like. Messrs. Spock and Chekov will submit full reports later._

_First Officer's Log- stardate 6161.1. The universe from which the other _Enterprise_ originated seems to diverge from our own universe significantly, but only from a point approximately 30 years before their own time. Yet this would not account for all the differences between our two Enterprises. Fascinating. The other _Enterprise_ crew called the planet "Delta Vega", and insisted that it was a moon of the recently destroyed Vulcan. They seemed surprised when I informed them that Vulcan has no moon, Vulcan's sister planet is know as T'Khut and is not class-M, and that our Delta Vega is located 21,644.7812 light years from our present location, with a different climate._

_Captain's Log, supplimental. Our encounter with the other _Enterprise_ concluded reasonably well. We had the opportunity to study the local fauna before our departure, and communicate with the crew. It's strange, meeting someone like yourself, almost an aspect of yourself, but completely different._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6163.9. Another transporter accident happened today. Mr. Spock, Commander Scott, Lieutenants Sulu, Uhura, Aoalo, and Ferguson, Ensign Chekov, and crewman Oo'rit have been regressed in age and transformed into small children. Dr. McCoy has no idea how this happened, but assures me that in the six hours since this incident occurred, the affected crewmembers have aged about a year each._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6170.4. Pumpkin chunkin is now forbidden on the Enterprise, along with phaser tag, paintball, capture-the-flag, zero-gravity quidditch, and deck hockey._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6175.0. My crewmen have finally returned to normal, with minimal memories of the incident._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6177.2. Ensign sh'Calthass has been killed in the line of duty defending the _Enterprise_ from a hostile invading force. We are en-route to Andoria for the traditional Andorian funeral rituals._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6179.9. Apparently, some of the crew have managed to rig a Jolly Roger to fly behind the _Enterprise_. This leads all of my senior officers to agree that this crew is in need of some shore leave._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6180.6. We were invited to a peaceful planet named Argo for some shore leave. Unfortunately, the local drinks are extremely potent, and have caused the crew, including myself and the senior officers, to engage in regrettable actions. As a result, the entire _Enterprise_ crew has been banned from the planet Argo, and all future relations with the Federation will be tense._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6188.1. Somehow Decks 17 and 18 became switched, and nobody has any ideas as to how it happened._

_Acting Captain's Log- stardate 6191.3. Captain Kirk has been imprisoned by the Kytherians and sold into slavery. We intend to retrieve him, but if that fails, we will purchase him ourselves._

_Chief Medical Officer's Log- stardate 6191.8. We have rescued the Captain from the Kytherians, but he requires a week in sickbay for a full recovery. I have caught him trying to escape sickbay four times in the last eight hours. I hope he realizes he brought this upon himself by insisting on leading all the away missions._

_Captain's Log- stardate 6194.3. Ensigns Palmer, Melendez, and Roberts are confined to the brig for converting the hallway on deck 5 into an ice rink. How they managed to do that, no one has figured out._

Yep, decided Jonathan Archer. he was definitely too old for all of this.


End file.
